Have you ever been going through a dark time and wondered where the light could be found? Has there been a season where your eyes  were filled with tears, even unshed tears, and your heart, with heartbreak? Did the questions seem endless and the answers few? Did cries of lament arise up in you, feeling like they took up all the space within you? Did it feel like grief was your constant companion?

The last year has been that way for me. It has been one of loss, one right after another.  They have been significant losses. Like during a hurricane season, it can be hard to recover from one before  having to prepare for another. I have been through other hurricane seasons of life before, but not quite like this one. In this one, grief has been a constant companion. A gift that I gave myself, was time and permission to grieve. The grief, anger, heartache is there whether we acknowledge it or not. Sometimes I and maybe you, don’t want to acknowledge it for fear that it will overwhelm  us. It is in acknowledging it, feeling it, expressing it, that brings us relief.  I decided the way through it,  was through it. So I let myself sob and cry out to God, the questions that burned within me, just like the psalmist who cries out to God, “How long O Lord?” “How long until you hear me or answer me?” It is hard to describe how helpful it is to cry out to God in this way, but it brings relief like nothing else does. It may not be immediate. It may be a season before relief comes. However, I believe God has included the Psalms of lament in the Bible (Psalm 22, 25, and 27, just to name a few)  to give voice  to our pain when we are in such  a season. Even when we don’t know what to pray, even in our anger towards God, God gives us the words to pray. Simply amazing.

There are moments when we don’t know what to pray or we simply don’t have words. Another thing I so love about God is that even then, even when all we have are our sighs and cries and silence, those are prayers too. Because we have this promise in Romans 8:26, 27, “In the same way, the Holy Spirit helps us when we are weak. We don’t know what we should pray for. But the Spirit himself prays for us. He prays with groans too deep for words. ²⁷ God, who looks into our hearts, knows the mind of the Spirit. And the Spirit prays for God’s people just as God wants him to pray.” God knows what in our heart, so even when we can’t pray, the Spirit prays for us.

It is true too, that during seasons like this, it is difficult to walk this path of grief alone. Sometimes we need someone else to walk beside us. I am grateful for God, my spouse, my spiritual director, and a few dear friends who have walked this  journey with me. I am also grateful to my church for its love and support.  I also know that sometimes we shoulder things on our own. Maybe it feels like too much to name the pain out loud, or we fear that people will be tired of listening to us.  I understand that. A part of this last year has been that way for me too. However after the tragic loss of life of Robin Williams, please if you really need someone, please name your pain out loud to someone who is a safe person for you, or reach out to a spiritual director. You really do matter so much. You matter as you are. You are created in God’s image and God loves you so much, so much that even when you are in pain or angry with God, God gives you the words to pray in the Psalms of Lament.

Sometimes God surprises us too, in the way God meets us where we are. In a recent moment of time, when I didn’t have the words, and didn’t want to burden someone else, God met me in a song written by Diane Warren, sung by Celine Dion,

Because You Loved Me

It is as I look at who God has been for me, that God lifted me up, because who God has been for me is reflected in the words of this song. God has been the light in my dark, shining his love into my life.  It can be encouraging to look back and see who God has been to you, if  you are in a place where you can see that. We aren’t always in that place. Sometimes we need other people to believe for us, when we can’t believe ourselves.

If you are in a hurricane season, I hope these words can offer comfort. May God bring comfort and peace to you.

Warmly,

Eva

Lyrics to Because You Loved Me by Diane Warren

 For all the times you stood for me

For all the truth that you made me see

for all the joy you brought to my life

for all the wrong that you made right.

for every dream you made come true

for all the love I found in you.

i’ll be forever thankful (baby)

You’re the one who held me up and never let me fall

You’re the one who saw me through, through it all

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ’cause you believed

I am everything I am because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly

You touched my hand I could touch the sky

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

You said no star was out of reach

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love, I had it all

I’m grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don’t know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ’cause you believed

I am everything I am because you loved me

You were always there for me

The tender wind it carried me

A light in the dark, shining your love into my life

You’ve been my inspiration

Through the lies, you were the truth

My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn’t speak

You were my eyes when I couldn’t see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach

You gave me faith ’cause you believed

I am everything I am because you loved me